How to Do Disney World

In one week's time, I'll be heading down Florida-way with my chief ride-or-die homegirl, Gillian, to the happiest place on earth. Yes, we're headed to Disney World, and there's no one in the world I'd rather do it with. We first went just after graduation (four years ago! My, how time flies), and had such a blast that we plan on making it a tradition.

But there are rules to doing Disney right. See, G and I are dead-set on maximizing our fun, and we're equipped with a plan. Last time we went was pretty spectacular, but this time, we've got the code down pat. So I've invited her infinite wisdom to help me collect the rules and prep for our 6 days of magic.

G: Don't worry if you don't like kids. I don't much care for children. I find them obnoxious and smelly and loud and lame. The awesome thing about Disney World is that kids are almost absent from my entire experience. Kids like shit like character meetings, parades, and leaving a park after two hours because they're "overstimulated." If you avoid these things (like any self-respecting childfree adult), you're in the clear. Also, the children you do see at Disney World tend to be happy and occupied, so they're at least 30% less annoying than they are in your neighbourhood. Bonus: If you stay at a Moderate to Deluxe level resort, you will barely encounter small children at all.

A: Get snap happy. This is no time to be a classy tourist – consider it a challenge to fill your camera's memory card. When I went to Paris, I took only pictures on film with my medium format Holga – fine for Paris, but a tragedy for Disney. You want pictures of yourselves soaked after Splash Mountain. You want pictures of yourselves attempting to finish huge ice cream cones. You want pictures of yourselves posing with the themed statues. And you definitely want a picture of yourselves in front of Cinderella's Castle. Whenever I'm feeling a bit low, I look at the pictures from our last trip and feel like I'm shooting up Vitamin D.

G: Write down all the crazy shit you observe. Amanda and I have some solid memories from our first trip in 2007 – for example, a morbidly obese 40-something woman with a teetering tray full of food shouting, "I got yer chicken strips, Scooter!" across a crowded Colonial-themed quick service restaurant. One can only hope she was addressing her son Scooter, and not a lover of the same name. Oh lord, we have memories! But I get sad when I contemplate all the gems we've lost to the passage of time. This time, I'll be bustin' out a notebook on the regular so every tableaux of Life in Modern America is catalogued and archived.

A: Have a soundtrack. I can't stress the importance of this enough. You know how you can hear a certain song and it transports you back to a particular time in your life? You want music that makes you feel that way about Disney World. For me, that includes Elton John's "Rocket Man", Kanye's "Touch the Sky" and the Beatles' "Two of Us". They were all on our original mix, and every time I hear those songs, I feel like I'm on vacation. This is especially important for G because she really hates flying – during takeoff, we play the mix, hold hands, and cruise on south.

G: You should – nay, you MUST – go in the off season. Not only can you get a free dining plan and afford a nicer hotel, but you will spend less time in lines. The best time of year to go is late August/early September, when US schoolchildren are already back in the classroom. No kids! And the kids that are there are better behaved. The type of parent negligent enough to take their kid out of the first or second week of school is totes crazy enough to tell their kid to shut the fuck up in the line for Space Mountain.

A: Disney ain't for dieting. Especially if you're dining on Disney's dime (with your well-timed free dining plan). You get a free pass. Go hogwild. And make sure to bundle two of your regular dinners for one of the signature dinners so you get a fancy night out. Our fave is an evening at Narcoossee's so we can spring for a nice bottle of wine and get Surf 'n Turf while we watch the fireworks burst over the castle.

G: If you never went as a child, best believe you'll have fun as an adult. You need to take the risk (as my homegirl Amanda did when I begged her to make a BFF trip after we graduated university) and trust that Disney World is just as (if not MORE) magical as an adult. Think about it: you're choosing your travelling companion, you can drink your way across the nations of Epcot's World Showcase, and you are better able to appreciate all the wack shit going on. Besides, when you have children, they will ruin Disney for you. They will constantly want to go to the bathroom and buy shit and spill things and cry, and that will totally cramp your style. Enjoy Disney with a ride-or-die homie while you have the chance, which leads me to...

G: Only go with someone you're ride-or-die with. This is serious. I once heard Holly Madison say on a Girls Next Door DVD commentary track that she felt like you couldn't truly know her unless you'd been to Disney with her. Not only did I realize that Holly and I are soultwins, but I would go one further. If you aren't a BFF I'd want to grow old with in some Golden Girls-type arrangement or full-on wifey material, I am not going to Disney World with you. And you should have the same parameters. Going to Disney is like going to Heaven or Atlantis. Would you want to look back on your trip to Atlantis (the mythical place, not the horrendously tacky Bahamian resort) and think, "Oh yeah. I was there with that girl I met through [insert ridiculous 20-something hobby you'll have since abandoned in favour of TV] who only wanted to talk about her gluten allergy"? No, you do not. Don't taint a magical experience with anyone other that your A-Team.

A: Challenge yourself. This year, I'm going to do the Tower of Terror. I'm going to do it. There's no way I can back out. Even though it combines two of my least favourite things – ghosts and that awful stomach-dropping feeling – I can't NOT do it this year. I wussed out last time and have regretted it ever since. If G can face her fear of flying to get down to the Magic Kingdom, I can do a ride that sticky-faced 7 year olds can manage. But that being said...

A: Don't challenge yourself too much. Take it easy. Feeling hot? Feeling run down? Go back to your room and take a nap. This ain't no marathon – this is vacation, and vacation's about feeling good. The last time we went, G ended up getting really sick, so we upped our relaxin': early evenings back at the hotel room, a couple trips out to the drug store, late morning sleep-ins. The one day we stuck it out was our Epcot day and as a compromise, I ended up pushing Gill around in a wheelchair. It was probably the least fun day of the trip, but a so-so day in Disney is still an awesome day by real world standards. We ended up with sweet pictures and I ended up with slightly more toned arms.

Taking it easy also includes rolling with the punches – don't get worked up over dumb stuff. The lineup's really long at the Haunted Mansion? Then grab a fast pass and wait out the clock on It's a Small World. Family in front of you being assholes? You'll never have to see them again in 10 minutes' time. Feeling like you need some alone time? Then say so and go read in a hammock for a bit. Predict your needs so you stay chill, and keep hydrated. It helps if you've chosen your Disney companion well and they are similarly even-tempered.

G: Buy an ear hat. Trust me, this will add to your experience. If you're not wearing an ear hat, you haven't fully given yourself to the experience. A part of you is still holding back thinking, "What will all these people think of me and my best friend, both women in our 20s without kids, arm in arm, each holding giant ice creams in our hands and wearing mouse ears on our heads?" Answer: Take a look around. You are surrounded by fellow nerds looking to have a good time. It's time to go full retard. The experience of being around a bunch of other adults who are all geeking out about being at Disney World is akin to waiting in line for a new Apple product on opening day. There is an immediate familiarity among everyone in the group. Even if you aren't super into iWhatevers, you know that these are your people. Also, the hats are a classic. Not only will you own a piece of classic Americana, but you can start a creepy collection of the hats you get with each visit. (Note: A collection of any kind is advanced level Disney shit.)

Love you girl! Just one week!

Do you do Disney?

Got any tips or things we have to try?