BIG CHANGES

So things have been busy lately, and although things are smoothing out now, it's certainly taking some getting used to. As you read last week, I moved out of the apartment that Amanda and I shared so we could both live with our boyfriends, something that feels both like "it's about time" and "whoa, this is a big step." Things have been quite lovely in that sense, but moving is a huge pain in the ass, as is the lack of internet, kitchen knives, and floor space that isn't covered in boxes.

The "big move" has been much more difficult than I anticipated, mostly because I think I anticipated a breath of fresh air—total domestic bliss in a place that was totally my own, a seamless transition for everyone, and a new apartment that was perfect in every way. I do love the place, once it's set up it will be really awesome, but there is the reality of noisy neighbours, garbage smells, screens that let in flies, and other qualities of city apartments.

I've been an anxious mess since June 30, mostly because of feelings brought on by the move: a combination of changed living space, finishing school, and generally feeling like I am being forced to grow up when I don't feel very grown up. I was ignoring these feelings until we stepped foot in the new place, which I feel is not yet my own, but a place I have to live up to. I am envying Amanda of her non-move, as staying in our old place takes less adjusting and probably feels like home already.

The back of the apartment, as we were moving in.

I am starting to think that these feelings are beneficial, though, in the long run. I am one to get totally comfortable in my home and nest; my bed especially is one of the only places that I feel totally relaxed. But this move, more than any other for some reason, has forced me to look elsewhere for comfort (to Dan, to the coffee shop nearby, to the park, but also to unfamiliar things) instead of just depending on one new space. This makes me feel more prepared for the considerable amount of moving that I will do in my life, in Toronto and possibly elsewhere.

I have friends who have moved across the globe, and I am amazed at their ability to stay strong through what seems like the most terrifying transition possible. I hope one day to feel like I have that strength. I think it takes a lot of confidence in yourself to know that it is you that makes a home, and not just that double bed that you've had for a few years and that tiny apartment with all your books in it.

I'm resting while Dan continues to unpack. Don't you love our cute French doors?

Things are already feeling more normal, but I am excited to shift away from a state of mind that I've been living in for years, and become more at home anywhere I am. Congrats to all you recent movers out there, and wish me luck!