Nailed It

Just over two weeks ago, I embarked on a terrifying mission. It was nerve-wracking, a battle of wills, and most of all, required patience (not always my best suit). I knew in the end, it would make me stronger, but at what cost?

Well, as it turns out, about $25 and about 5 minutes every other night.

via

This winter has been brutally harsh on my nails. Maybe it's just because I'm older, or maybe it's because I've started vowing not to let the dirty dishes pile up for more than two days at a time, so my hands are in hot, soapy water more often than they're used to. All I know is that this year, the tips of my nails started cracking and peeling constantly, taking along with it any vestige of perfect painted polish and, of course, my sanity.

Because you see, I am a reformed nail biter. Yes, until the age of about 20, I would gnash my poor nails down to little nubs. It was a gross dirty habit that I had tried to kick many times before, and it wasn't until I found my triggers (ugly nails, ragged ends and stress) that I found the solution. Even that special polish that tastes bad didn't work on me. The solution is to keep my nails pretty and polished, try to have a nail file on hand at all times, and to chill the fuck out (I'm still working on the last one). As long as I can do these things, I am stone-cold sober.

So yeah, having polished nails that only lasted a day before they started chipping was wearing on my last nerve. But then I saw one of Jane Feltes' How to Be a Girl columns that asked about this exact question. So I took her advice, trucked on out to a Beauty Supply Outlet, and started applying OPI's Nail Envy.

It's kind of terrifying, not only because it costs $25 for one bottle of nail polish, but also because it's the only polish I've ever bought that comes with a paper insert of instructions.  Those instruction tell you to paint it on in three strokes, staring from 1/32 of an inch from your cuticle. Paint on two coats, then a coat every other day for a week, then take it off and start again for another week. And please, dear god, don't let this shit touch your skin at all. That's because, on every piece of packaging with it, comes this screamer of a warning:

CONTAINS FORMALDEHYDE

which to be perfectly honest, scared the living daylights out of me. Like, could I still eat with my hands, which is my heathen way of choice? Could I pet the cat? Would I die if this got in a hangnail?*

check out my all natural white tips!

Two weeks later, and I'm still breathing. And best of all, my nails are the best they've ever been. Seriously. They are longer than ever before, they are super strong, and the Nail Envy works like a super glossy top coat. I only chipped at the tip of a nail ONCE by a tiny bit when I was trying to pick off a lid. Who would have thought coating your nails in a rock-hard formaldehyde solution would make them superhuman? Plus, because I'm terrified of my stiff-as-a-board coating, I never ever try to mow down on my nails (and I heard a rumor that this makes them really difficult to bite after the fact too! Wheeee!)

So OPI Nail Envy. Worth every penny. Sure, there are other formulas that don't contain the formaldehyde, but where's the fun in that?


* FYI: a baker friend of mine said that a small amount of formaldehyde is often used in commercial gingerbread houses to make the cookies really stiff. That made me a lot less afraid, and also wow, food for thought come Christmastime.